


The Prank

by bpd_changeling



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BPD!Sirius, Fluffy Ending, M/M, sirius fucked up ok, taking the train to angstville, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 19:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12349344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpd_changeling/pseuds/bpd_changeling
Summary: Sirius makes the (second) biggest mistake he will ever make.(Rated T for language, emotional breakdowns, self harm, and references to abuse)





	The Prank

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this literally exists only because I spent years trying to figure out why Sirius pulled The Prank until I actually went back and analyzed his character and realized that- holy crap- he's borderline like me. So here's this.

     "James! JAMES!!" The desperate, terrified voice pierced through the silence of the dormitory like a razor blade. A moment later, the door banged open, revealing a wide-eyed, sweat-soaked, shaking Sirius Black. "I... Oh god, James, I really messed up." He wanted more than anything to explain himself, to explain why he did what he did, but there wasn't time. "Snape k-knows about the tree- how t-t get past it- we've gotta stop him!" James and Peter, both sitting on their beds, jumped to their feet.

"Peter, you tell Madam Pomfrey what happened, in case he gets injured. Sirius, just stay here; don't move a muscle. I'll take care of it," James said quickly before racing from the room. Peter followed him out. The door swung closed behind them.

     Sirius just stood there. He stood and stared at the door. His heart was still beating fast, but- having delivered his message- he was left frozen in a state of shock. He couldn't process, he couldn't understand.

_'What have I done?'_ he thought dully. _'What have I done, What have I done, What have I done?'_ And then, predictably, the voice in his mind answered,

_'You betrayed Remus. And you might have killed someone.'_

     With that thought- that enormous, almost incomprehensible thought- something inside him broke. His stomach constricted. He sunk to the floor, bringing his legs up to his chest and covering his head with his arms, as if this meaningless gesture could somehow protect him from his own actions. His lungs burned. His head spun. He didn't understand how this had happened, how he could have told the secret he'd sworn to protect with his life. His limbs shook violently. He was a traitor, possibly a murderer. Briefly, he thought, _'They'll all hate me now,'_ but that didn't matter right now. There was so much worse that could happen, and he had lost the right to care about what would happen when _his_ world came crashing down. Even if Snape didn't die, even if James arrived in time to save him, he would tell. Snape would tell everyone that Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Everyone would turn on him, fear him, hate him. He'd be in danger. Dumbledore would have no choice but to expel him, and he'd never have a job, a life. And it would be Sirius's fault. He would have single-handedly destroyed the life of the one person he cared about the most, the one person he would most gladly die to protect, the one that he- No. No, he had no right to even think those words. Not now.

     He sat in silence for what felt like years, but was likely only hours. When the buildup of pressure under his skin, waiting for the others to return, became too great, he got up and paced. When that didn't help, he started pulling his hair. The sharp prickles on his scalp helped distract him, but it wasn't enough. Not nearly enough. So he started scratching. He dug his fingernails into his skin and raked over the same spot again and again, wincing through the pain and wearing away the outer layer of skin. He didn't bleed, but the skin left behind was pink and dotted with red not quite at the surface. It stung like a burn. Sirius's mouth curved up in joyless satisfaction. He started again in another place. All those overwhelming feelings began to ebb and recede, until all but a dull, throbbing ache in his chest was gone. He felt empty, hollow. The void was all he knew, and it was a horrible, twisted kind of safety that he found there. He returned to his curled-up position on the floor, but now he just stared blankly at the floor- pulse steady, arms slack.

     Eventually, he heard footsteps, but he didn't move. He heard a voice outside the door- Peter's- ask, "What do we do?" He heard James's muffled response but couldn't make out the words. He didn't move. The door opened, and both boys entered. Sirius's eyes flicked up to their faces.

"So?" he said tonelessly. For half a second, James's brows furrowed in anger at the nonchalance in his voice. Then he seemed to notice the wild hair and unfocused eyes. His eyes drifted down in what was now instinct to check Sirius's arms. His eyes widened a fraction when he saw the marks, and his tone was significantly softer than it might have been as he said, "Snape's fine." Sirius nodded. He knew he would feel relief about this later, but right now he just waited to hear more.

"Moony's okay too," Peter said quietly. "Dumbledore convinced Snape not to talk; I don't know how." At this, Sirius did let out a minuscule sigh. Even in his numb state, he was worried about Remus.

"He won't be expelled?" he asked.

"No."

"And has he turned back yet?"

"Yeah, an hour ago. He's in the hospital wing now." James crossed the room and sat beside his friend. Peter crouched at their feet.

     "Why'd you do it?" James asked simply.

"I got mad," Sirius answered. God, it sounded so stupid now. "He- Snape, I mean- he caught me in the hallway, started talking about Regulus, then making cracks about my home life. 'How did a precious, rich Pureblood like you end up so fucked up? What, did daddy touch you?' 'You think your mommy would take you back if you cried, little Blood Traitor?' 'Your brother's on the right side for now, but you'd better be there to watch out for him if he messes up, or else.' All that shit. I should have walked, I know, they're just words. But I lost it. I snapped, said I could tell him a secret, and the idiot bought it. I realized what I'd done a minute after he left and came running for you, and, well, you know the rest...."

     The room was very quiet. Peter looked at James, James looked at Sirius, Sirius looked at the floor. Then James put an arm around Sirius's shoulder. The long-haired boy's gaze snapped up, locking with his friend's. He started to cry. Emotion seeped back in- sorrow and guilt and shame and relief. He clung to James's shirt and sobbed into his chest. James, ever parental, stroked his hair, which just made him cry harder. He cried until he couldn't anymore, until he was dry-cheeked and utterly exhausted. Still leaning on his best friend, his eyes slid shut and he fell asleep.

     When he woke up several hours later, Sirius was alone, but not for long. After just a few minutes, the door opened again. Peter and James came back in, followed closely by Remus himself. He looked awful: bags under his eyes, hair wild, an ugly bruise on his jaw. He stared at Sirius. Sirius stared back. Neither one moved, just watched each other carefully. Finally, gently, Remus said, "Are you alright?" Sirius's heart broke.

"Me?" he croaked. "I almost killed a boy and got you thrown into Azkaban last night, and you're asking if _I'm_ alright?" His eyes started to burn again, but he blinked hard. He wouldn't cry in front of Remus. He wasn't allowed. This wasn't about Sirius, it was about the friend he betrayed, and he wouldn't manipulate his friend into forgiving him by crying now. The only problem was, it didn't seem like he had to.

     "Pads," Remus said steadily, "Last night, you had to deal with Snape mocking your abusive childhood and threatening your brother's safety, if James and Peter are telling it right. And since then you've been dealing with the guilt over your mistake- and don't try to say it wasn't taxing for you, because I see your arm. Plus, I know everything is ten times worse for you because of your illness, which is why you did what you did in the first place. So, yeah, I'm asking if you're alright." A wave of bitterness rolled over Sirius. Not directed at Remus, of course, but just because of the situation.

"Ah, yes, I forgot. I can't be held accountable for being evil because of my _illness_."

"Your illness is literally the reason you react so impulsively when you're angry, Sirius!" Remus exclaimed exasperatedly. "It is an _actual_ condition with _actual_ effects, just like my lycanthropy! Yeah, you have a little more control, but you've got to deal with it all the time, and I only have to once a month! You aren't evil. And I _am_ holding you accountable; what I'm _not_ doing is hating you or being furious with you, because you're disordered and you're sorry and you're already beating yourself up over it, so I don't have to."

     Sirius was still staring, now with an expression of awe on his face. Words that he'd thought a hundred times were now racing through his head. _'He's perfect. He's so perfect, so good, so pure. He deserves the world. I love him.'_

"Sirius?" Remus prompted, waiting for a response. "Sirius, say some-"

"I love you." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and as Remus's eyes widened, Sirius's face went red. He hid behind his hands. "Shit. Merlin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- oh, shit, I'm sorry." No one spoke, and then:

"We're just gonna go..." James's voice said. Two pairs of feet shuffled out of the room, closing the door behind them. Sirius chanced a glance up at Remus's face and was surprised to see a warm smile there. He suddenly looked healthier, better-rested.

"I always believed," he said softly, lowering himself onto his knees beside Sirius, "that I wasn't worthy of love."

"Well, you are," Sirius responded with newfound fierceness. "You deserve everything, _everything_."

     "Really?" Remus said, something like playfulness or amusement in his eyes now. "Everything?"

"Everything," Sirius repeated firmly.

"What about the guy I've been in love with since second year?" Remus asked. And before Sirius could respond, they were kissing. They were kissing, and it was like nothing either had ever experienced before. Sirius's stomach swooped with glee. It felt like finding something that had been missing his whole life, a piece of him being put back in its place. He reveled in the feeling of Remus's touch, the scent that was so distinctly his- coffee and candle wax, the faint taste of chocolate on his tongue. It was heaven.

     When they finally broke apart, both breathing heavily, Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus's.

"I never thought I was worthy of love, either," he whispered.

"Well, you were dead wrong, then, weren't you?" Remus replied, and they both laughed.

"You were too," Sirius pointed out. Remus grinned.

"I guess so." They say its darkest just before the light, and Sirius supposed that- whoever "they" were- they were right.


End file.
